Expressing Myself

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used
the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want
to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your
final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion,
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he
sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear
he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?”
And then the fight started…
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. It was always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
“When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
_______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
“What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and then
I discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the
house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my
wife’s back, now with a different anticipation and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds .”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my
age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the
woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly
silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and
she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told
my wife about my experience at the Social Security office… She said,
‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’
And then the fight started…

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me….It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her ‘little’ sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome… She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister..
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.
She said, ‘I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me..’

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lord… and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, ‘We are very happy that you have passed our little test… We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.’

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car..

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz..’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Beyond any doubts … The women won.

PS. and they  forgot the HARD DIKS DISK! and also  that Women can control them with just their fingers.

a laughter contributed by Sudha Iyer …