Expressing Myself

I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider…

Picture paints a Thousand words …. and as Juliet (Shakespeare) says : “What’s in a name?” …
care to comment?

Truly hilarious, was worth  adding it to my Blog …would like to know who the original author is?
 

I never take risk while drinking 

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When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking 
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen 
I stealthily enter the house 
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard 
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame 
But still no one is aware of it 

Becoz I never take a risk 

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I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink 
Quickly enjoy one peg 
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack 
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard 
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile 

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I peep into the kitchen 
Wife is cutting potatoes 
No one is aware of what I did 

Becoz I never take a risk 

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I to my wife : Any news on chopra’s daughter’s marriage 
Wife : Nope, she doesn’t seem to be that lucky. Still they are looking out for her . 

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I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard 
But I don’t make any sound while taking out the bottle 
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink 
Quickly enjoy one peg 

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Wash the  bottle and keep it in the sink 
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard 
But still no one is aware of what I did 

Becoz I never take a risk 

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I to Wife : But still I think chopra’s daughter’s age is not that much 
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old… like an aged horse 
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh… 

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I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard 
But the cupboard’s place has automatically changed 
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in the sink . 

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Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly 
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj’s photo & keep it in the black cupboard . 

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Wife is keeping the sink on the stove 

But still no one is aware of what I did 

Becoz I never take a risk 

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I to Wife: (getting angry) you call Mr. chopra a horse? If you say that 
again, I will cut your tongue…! 

Wife: Don’t just blabber something, go out and sit quietly… 

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I take out the bottle from the potatoes 
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg 
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack 

Wife is giving a smile 

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Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking 
But still no one is aware of what I did 

Becoz I never take a risk 

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I to Wife : (laughing) So chopra is marrying a horse!! 

Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face… 

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I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack 

Stove is also on the rack 
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside . 

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I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink 
But none of the horses are aware of what I did 

Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk . 

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Chopra is still cooking 

And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing 

Becoz I never take…… never take ….. never take what???      

I  never take a potato I think…

THE MAN RULES : AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN, WE ALWAYS HEAR ” the rules” FROM THE FEMALE SIDE. NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE. THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED “1” ON PURPOSE!

 

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU’RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT’S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON’T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS IT’S LIKE THE FULL MOON
OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES.
LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION..

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT’S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU’RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON’T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS. .

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT.
WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT will BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY “NOTHING,” WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING’S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON’T WANT AN ANSWER TO,
EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE… REALLY .

1. DON’T ASK US WHAT WE’RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL
OR golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

 

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON’T MIND THAT? IT’S LIKE CAMPING.

Found a few funny sign boards at signspotting.com … here’s a few that  I found amusing …

Got time for more laughs? … http://www.signspotting.com

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’
‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz..’

A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4.. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Beyond any doubts … The women won.

PS. and they  forgot the HARD DIKS DISK! and also  that Women can control them with just their fingers.

a laughter contributed by Sudha Iyer …

Gods own advertising …

These are the entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for a Two-Line Rhyme with the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I thought that I could love no other
— that is until I met your brother.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
— Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go to hell.”

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Short Messaging Service …  could be dangerous … heres one I got for the New Years from a friend of  mine

“Some greeting …
my luv to ur fly… 🙂
tc”

And for the benefit of those, who are new to this science of abrevation!
fly = Family
tc = Take Care